I hate recruitment agencies

I may have mentioned this before. I have dealt with recruitment agencies from both sides of the table, so to speak. I've had to use their services to employ staff, and I've had to use their services to find work.

In the former, they phone incessantly, send muffins and chocolates (useful) and random mouse mats and calendars (not so useful since it's hard to move a mouse around on a pile of mats), and worst of all, they always ask me how my weekend was. Why? You don't know me, you don't care about my weekend. You don't care that I downed 6 tequilas then passed out, nor do you care that I stayed in and read a book (Readers, which one was it, eh?). Furthermore, why do you think I will tell you, and do you think that asking is going to make vacancies suddenly appear when you were told last week that we weren't hiring until the new year (and it's June)?

Regarding the latter, sometimes you don't have a choice since all the good jobs seem to be through agencies. So, I duly send my CV in. They call me: "great CV!", and then I never hear from them again. What happened? Was I not suitable? Say so. If I am not suitable why did you say I was? One particular agency advertised 3 roles on different occasions. The same person (whom I met: "we'd love to meet you to determine if you are in fact normal") said that he put me forward for all 3 roles and that I was to be called - all 3 times - about an interview. Readers, this didn't happen. You know who you are, Craig James.

I vowed never to use agencies ever again. (Except Richard O, because I like him and he does what he says he is going to do.) However, now I need a bit of pocket money to make Christmas more rosy, so to my horror, I've found myself registering with the temp agencies because how else will I get temp work? I devised a very special email and have spent some time this morning sending it out to all the usual suspects.

Readers: mortification. I had addressed the email as follows: People could you let me know the registration process... People? I meant had meant to say Please.

Obviously ingratiation sticks in my throat.